Dear Amy,

Who am I?

What a vital question that is for any of us. It could take some time to answer! In fact, I have had to revisit it myself in recent years.

The most valiant attempt I know of to grapple with this is by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German pastor who was imprisoned in Flossenbürg concentration camp by the Nazis during World War II. He was executed just one month before the end of the war. One month! He wrote the following while incarcerated. Notice that someone we might regard as a giant in the faith did not regard himself like that at all.

Who Am I?

Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country house.

Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
Yearning for colours, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighbourliness,
Tossing in expectations of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all.

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptible woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am thine!

What courageously honest words, from someone facing the ultimate test of faith.

Know that you are his, Amy, while you continue to work out the rest 🙏