Dear Amy,
How can we forgive those whose sin against us is breathtakingly heinous?
Before we get into the how, let’s acknowledge that we must. This is not optional, it is commanded by Jesus.
“If your brother or sister sins, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent’, you must forgive them.”
― Luke 17:3-4
I am facing a situation in which this is a real challenge. The response I received to my articulated desire for reconciliation and relationship and mutual forgiveness and healing was a crushing and callous brush-off. What now?
My first attempt to forgive was a false start. I tried to diminish the magnitude of the offence, to find a way to receive it as a simple misunderstanding, to excuse the other’s behaviour. This failed because there was no truth in it. The behaviour was in fact wretched and reprehensible. I cannot deny it.
I then had to grapple with “if they repent”. In my situation, there is no repentance. There is stubborn and Pharisaical judgment and rejection, and refusal to engage in authentic relationship. It is crushing. Heartbreaking.
Some writers have tried to argue that the requirement to forgive is conditional on repentance, and in this passage it indeed appears so. Is that the whole story though? I think not. But let’s not resort to a human argument.
Consider this from the Lord’s Prayer, and what Jesus said next in the Sermon on the Mount:
And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
For if you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
― Matthew 6:12, 14-15
Here our forgiveness of others is linked to God’s forgiveness of us no less. How vital then is it to forgive!
And what of this?
When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified him, along with the criminals⸺one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
― Luke 23:33-34a
Was there repentance here? Of course not! How are we called to live? Like Christ! And how can we find the power to do this? Only in him!
To do this I must die to self, again. But as I do, I find I am being transformed into Christ’s likeness. There is no greater joy, even in the midst of all this pain. The joy in that transformation is empowering indeed!
This is a lengthy process, an ongoing journey, and I am not yet done. May the Lord have mercy on that individual as I forgive, and continue to forgive, dying to self and becoming like Christ. And if they come to the point of repentance, may we be restored in authentic relationship again, by Christ’s power and for his glory.
Live like Christ, Amy, in him and by his power and for his glory, fuelled by the joy in your own transformation! 🙏